Thoughts (written 1/14/20) 

to the family and whoever can give advice

Midnight - with a complete shit job to go to at 6. Super ramped up on coffee because I've been job searching and teaching myself AppleScript nonstop for like 3 days. Never in recent memory have I felt as though I'm oblivious to a dam of rage that's been building up for a year. Never have I seen the glimmer of violent thoughts peeking out from my usual jovial self. Normally it's just blinders on working working listening to music etc then out of the blue I'll fantasize about laying Jeff (boss) or whatever his fucking name is out like a picnic blanket. My blood pressure will spike and it's real af. My hands get clammy and it's time to fight. It takes a second to put these feelings away behind the facade but seeing a little glimpse lets me know they're there. And similarly to the mental pattern of watching a pothole shoot past you on a descent then immediately putting it away mentally because it's no longer a priority (never to process it) these rage leaks are not dealt with, but rather put aside. I'm realizing that they've stacked up to the point that they're peeking out. 


Over the past year, I've approached so FUCKING many potential employers often times with custom landing pages on my portfolio only to never be acknowledged. 


Not only am I not lazy but I bring a fucking remarkable skillset to the table.


For example, feeling lonely tonight, I wrote a little script to text 150 people "[NAME]! How have you been?" This was some respite to the towering behemoth of rage that I barely know exists. 


So, I'm sending you this because I don't know how to continue. I don't know how to change the patterns that have led to my current predicament. I don't know how to reconcile myself with the fucking suits that you're so good at talking to. 


So, I'm wiring you because you ARE the fucking suits. 


What on God's green earth do you react to? What makes you perk up? Do I need to use "corporate" words. 


Fuck that. Where are my people? I feel like a failure.